A Matter of Philosophy - by Craig Butler
Back to main background“Nar, how come we gots this job again? We wuz doin’ this last month too,” Lugdum whined as he split another goblin head with his rusty mace. Around them, the goblins screeched and crawled and tried to flee, all their courage gone with the loss of their leader and the breaking of their formation.
Durzul shrugged, slashing left and right with his cruel double-bladed axe. “Da Boss sez, ‘Boyz, I needs ya to clear out anuther goblin-town, so here we iz.’ Don’t do much good ta question da Boss ‘lest yer bigger ‘an he iz.”“Yar, I knows,” Lugdum sighed, batting a goblin’s head off like a watermelon. “Ha! Look at that wun fly!”
“I got my own work ta do,” Durzul replied, “besides, headz floppin off ain’t nuthin’ new to the guy what carries an axe.”
“But I only got my ol’ head-smacker. See, its like, if you was to crush a goblin-head with yer axe, see?”
Durzul stopped his hacking for a moment and thought it over, ignoring the routed goblins for a moment. “Yar, I never thot o’ that before. Here, lemme try it.” He turned his axe and started smacking at the goblins with the flat face. He managed to bloody the faces of some of them, but no matter how he swung, it would not dent their heads.
“See?” Lugdum gloated, swinging at one of the goblins Durzul had missed. “Its harder than yer thot.”
“Aww, shut up. I could get lucky, same as you did a bit ago. Only now they’ve all run away, see?” Lugdum, Durzul, and the other orcs were indeed alone in the cavernous hole the goblins called a town. They had spent not only this month and the last, but over a year raiding such towns as this. They had probably even been to this one before, but where there was goblins, there was whackin’ to be done, or so the Boss always said.
“They’re just all run away into their hidey-holes,” Lugdum spat. “We just gotta go in and get ‘em out.”
“Yar, so we do,” said Durzul absently, inspecting the flat of his axe and scratching his head.
“Yer should just admit it,” Lugdum said angrily. “Maces is better than axes any day o’ the moon.”“Against goblins, maybe,” Durzul said sadly. “But against bigger folk I’ll take my axe any day.”
“Speakin’ of bigger folk,” Lugdum said speculatively as they walked together toward a small side-opening that looked to be a goblin hidey-hole, “how’z come we keep getting’ this job? The goblins ain’t never no match fer us, not when we comes an’ surprises ‘em. We been loyal ladz; we should be up raidin’ the human farms an’ the elvses.”
“Ar, you ain’t been ‘round long as me,” Durzul said, pushing his way into the passage. It wound on for some ways, finally emerging into another, larger hall. “Sometimes its not so easy. In the older days they’d have big hungry wolfs with yellow eyes that’d gobble you up before you’s could blink. But I guess we been at these turds long enuff that they don’t even try no more.”
At that moment, a fresh band of goblins came charging around a corner, chanting and waving their clubs. “Try it again with the broad side o’ the axe,” Lugdum suggested as they joined another band of orcs and prepared to fight.
“Naw, I think I’ll leave that fer another time,” Durzul said, testing the weight of his axe. “Lets just get this over with sos we can go back fer some toadstool-draught and munchies.”Lugdum’s face brightened at the mention of food and drink. “Ya, I could use a good draught after this bunch!” and then the goblins were upon them.
Many slashes and bashes later, the goblins fled once again, through a huge, arched doorway. Too elegant for the goblins, this was probably the remnant of some long-forgotten Elvish city. “Aww! They didn’t even try that time!” Lugdum complained, kicking something green and slimy off his mace.
“Ye’ll get yer chance,” Durzul told him, turning away from the doorway to wipe off his axe. “Did yer see that one? I almost bashed ‘is head in, almost.”“Awww, give it up,” Lugdum said, peering through the arch. Suddenly he began to look a bit pale. “Say, Durzul,” he asked, “how big was the biggest goblin you ever saw?”
Durzul leaned on his axe and looked up at nothing. “Well, once I saw this goblin-king, five feet he musta been, but a foot or two o’ that was probly just the boots and feathery-stuff he wore. I saw da Boss smash his head in good. Why yer ask?”
“Well,” said Lugdum, “I’m seein’ some ugly tall guys over there with the goblins, an’ I was wonderin’ if they was kin.”
Durzul frowned and turned to see what Lugdum was looking at. Through the archway, the goblin force was returning, screeching out a battle-song and dancing at the feet of dozens of lanky, muscular creatures at least double their height. “Trolls!” he exclaimed, smiling. “That draught will have to wait,” he told his friend. “Now I gets to show yer when axes are better than those clubem-sticks you love.”
“Arrr, I’ll believe it when I sees it,” Lugdum said doubtfully as he hefted his mace and followed Durzul into another battle. “Too bad – I’m awful thirsty.” And with that, they charged.